What a fucking party that was! But now, you’re waking up, slobber all down one side of your face, your wallet is empty, your flies are undone, and you’ve a vague feeling of discomfort in your bum. You’ve a voicemail on your iPhone from your bank manager. He says he wants his house back. It’s time to lick the last of the coke off your fifty and learn how to stretch it. Here’s Green Ink’s top tips for saving money.
- Get rid of your telly and cancel your Sky or NTL subscriptions. Think you can’t live without it? When was the last time to said to yourself or your squeeze, “there’s fuck all on”? How often have you said it? Guess what, you were right. TV sucks your money and your intelligence, and the dumber you are the easier it is to part you from your money. Ergo, a vicious cycle to be avoided. The reason Pat Kenny sounds intelligent on the radio and has the sparkle of pubic lice when on telly is because television eats brains. If the empty space in the corner of the room is bothering you, either buy goldfish and a small aquarium or get a computer and a big monitor. You can see lots of stuff online anyway, you can watch DVDs on the computer and by not paying a TV licence you are in fact being patriotic as you’re increasing the likelihood of unemployment for Pat Kenny.
- Make a list of needs. Anything that’s not essential, don’t buy. Thrown out apples this week? Don’t buy apples next week. Some personal grooming is obviously permitted because I don’t want to have to smell you, but really, if there’s more than toothpaste, a deodorant, soap and shaving foam on the shelf you’re buying too much.
- Either grow your hair long or shave it off. Don’t be pricking about half way in expensive hairdressers. If you’re a hairdresser reading this, have you considered loan-sharking?
- If you’ve got a credit card debt and can’t clear it, what the fuck have you got a credit card for? Get a fucking loan from the credit union or a group of sympathetic relatives and pay it off. Even a bank loan will have a lower interest rate than a credit card debt. One way to remember this tip is to shove your credit card up your ass once you’ve cancelled it.
- Pets. Oh dear oh dear. That fucking dog that licks your face after giving his balls a good going over will have to go. And if things are especially tight, don’t go calling the pound just yet. Borrow a Vietnamese recipe book from the library, after you’ve made a list of differences between your pet and a pig that’s already sliced up in your fridge. Don’t be squeamish; after all, you’ve let an animal lick your face that you know cleans its bum with its tongue.
- Stop calling people from your mobile. Call your friends on their landline if you have to. You can send texts for free online, so if you must make with the inane gossip, do it for free. At the very least you might start using full words and sentences that make sense, rather than that truncated bullshit that I won’t reply to. Get your rental, broadband and calls bundled. It’s usually cheaper. That’s if you can get the fucking broadband in the first place.
- If you’re a smoker, don’t even talk to me. In fact, stop reading. I don’t want you getting the benefit of my tips, you artery-clogging bastard.
- If you’re Tom Dunne, get the big 72s boxes of Weetabix. Man, that guy loves his Weetabix. You know he has a 3 hour show on Newstalk about Weetabix? There’s a man that knows how to maximise a return on fuck all effort.
- Don’t text radio shows. Send me your 30 cent instead. I’ll look after it for you, you fucking eejit. Same goes for reality shows on the telly. But if you’ve followed my advice so far that won’t be a problem any more.
- Cancel your health insurance. It’s not worth it. You’ll never see those premiums again. But what if you get sick, I imagine you ask? Well what if you don’t? If you’ve a good diet and don’t abuse yourself with too many recreational drugs, chances are you’ll be fine for a long time, and if you don’t and are, then stop. You’ll feel much better. Yes the HSE is shit. Maybe you don’t qualify for a medical card anyway. But you’re better off putting a tenner or a score away every week in a long term savings account with a decent interest rate early in your working life than have VHI execs getting fat off your worry about diseases you might never get. If you live to a ripe old age without any major illnesses you’ve a whack of money to leave to someone you love as an insurance against their own potential illnesses. That’s better than having your wallet raped and having a premature death from worry over how to pay for your medical insurance, isn’t it?
- Monetise your hobbies. Like sex? Fat men in Japan will pay to see you making the sexy. Actually forget that, you’ll actually lose money on the amount of soap and rough flannel you buy to get rid of the dirty feeling.
- Speaking of sex, if you’re getting any you should buy your french letters in bulk rather than feeding vending machines while drunk on a Saturday night. If you’re getting any, you’re a lucky bastard and I don’t want to hear about it.
That’s it all sorted. Now in the spirit of Rody Molloy who preached frugality while plundering the nation’s purse, this post entitles me to a whole heap of hookers and cocaine in a big golfing orgy in the loading bay of the space shuttle. Florida here I come!
The complete series listing of Top Tips for Irish Consumers is now available here.